The Monday Diaries: Issue 1
To be published at some point during the week because, life.
I wrote this, dutifully, on Monday as I promised on Instagram. It’s now Wednesday and it’s late but if this doesn’t go out now it never will (a bit political and it’s the vote tomorrow so…).
Welcome to the Monday Diaries. Ta Dah! Here’s why I’ve decided to do this:
I needed a structure. I want to write. I love writing. This will help me!
There is always a LOT going on in my head after a day spent with my two younger children, which I do every Monday. It makes sense to channel it. Or not. It might be ABSOLUTE DRIVEL. Let’s find out?!
I hand the kids over to Si the moment he walks through the door on Mondays and go for a run or a shower (heaven) and during the half hour or so I’m finally alone again, I come back to myself after being, frankly, ravaged by motherhood every week.
While I’m running or listening to my music or letting the hot water pour over my head, thoughts or feelings or fairly cohesive ideas drop into my mind. I then have another hour or so to channel the last remaining energy of the day before I collapse onto the sofa or my bed and let Bridgerton or The Bear do the work and I can mentally switch off.
The Monday Diaries will be a truthful exploration of the business of joy seeking - this is, after all, the Joy Voyage - even when you feel as I do right now:
Physically exhausted
Resentful (I’ll expand)
Tearful
Frustrated
Apprehensive
Doesn’t look an optimistic list does it!!
Will I have turned around these feelings by the end of this post? Will writing help to process them? Will some space give me the mindful distance I need to look at the feelings, thoughts and activate my logical brain to focus on new ones?
Let’s get started on the Monday Diaries, Issue 1.
*please note, I will be sharing my motherhood experience in detail in these diaries because this is what I do with my time every Monday. It goes without saying, but I’ll say it anyway, that I am OF COURSE grateful for my children especially after many rounds of fertility treatment and I must be truthful about my experience: three of them age 2-7 while running my business which happens to be the current breadwinner for our household. For Fertility Support please see my website www.fertilityliferaft.com*
MONDAY 1ST JULY
It was a teacher training day today so my eldest was also at home. My local friend popped round with two of her kids for a cuppa. I thought: perfect. That’ll keep us busy for the morning, I don’t have to go anywhere and I’ll have a coffee and a chat with my pal while our delightful children play.
Reader, the morning was an utter shit show. A non-stop carousel of moaning, hitting, throwing, arguing to the point where I thought my nervous system might give up completely with unbearable over-stimulation.
I am only just holding my shit together on some days. On others I am not holding it at all.
My body feels like it’s run a marathon.
I ache. My eyes want to close. But I want to see if by writing down the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, I can actually process it through this post and activate other networks in my brain. And I want to use my Monday experiences to fuel something - inspiration? Change?
One person to vote that might otherwise not have voted maybe?
Soooo.
Here’s the honest truth: at this moment I feel resentful because if one of my children was less challenging, my days would be so much more enjoyable; I could go to more places, I could see more people.
I am feeling apprehensive: how how am I going to do this for 6 weeks through the Summer holidays? We do not have childcare arranged. I am rethinking this.
I was feeling tearful an hour ago when Si came home; it’s already passed.
Now I’m just…so…tired. And frustrated.
On Thursday the country will vote on who they think should get a crack at running the country next. Bear with me, there’s a link here somewhere.
I work hard.
I have created a business and a platform out of nothing, that makes a positive difference for thousands of people.
I’m going to get really transparent here and share some numbers.
In the last 12 months my coaching business has generated around £60-70k in revenue. My costs are low. It’s not bad for the amount of hours I’m actually able to work around my children, for something I started myself. I’m proud of it.
You’d think we’d be doing OK right? I’m married, we both work, it’s a decent income.
In truth we are struggling to pay our bills every month. I really debated sharing this. I want to support women to start and grow their own businesses and I want people to know it is possible to create lives which feel really aligned and spacious and positive.
I LOVE my business, I love what I’ve created, the autonomy and freedom I have over my days is amazing and I couldn’t be without it. And…
After Simon took a career break and then went back to work with a massive pay cut (a joint decision and definitely a good one - he is MUCH happier and so am I), I am now the breadwinner.
Our outgoings are high with a mortgage, childcare, cost of living. The amount I pay every month is outrageous and the fact we even have to worry about how we’re going to afford everything makes me angry.
Why is it all so EXPENSIVE? Why do I have to pay so much corporation tax?
Why are my energy bills ridiculous? Because the country we live in has so royally cocked up on so many levels.
I am angry that even though I run a profitable, successful and impactful business while looking after three young children: I still have to worry about whether I’m going to be able to pay for everything every month. I will be voting. I hope you will too.
BUT.
There’s also something I have to do here.
My own mindset and manifestation work.
STAY WITH ME PEOPLE.
I know I can’t be stuck in a victim mindset or let resentment fester or basically, be a moody cow if I want to change my reality.
I know that I have to feel the feelings, process it, embody who I want to be, focus on gratitude and abundance.
I understand it, I practice it, I embody it. I am tapping most mornings.
Now, as I stop to think about it I remember.
I remember the abundance I’ve received in the most unexpected ways over the last week or so.
I have taken a big fat decision in June and taken some aligned action to support me in going to another level with my business and I am so excited and I know I’m going in the right direction …but also: there needs to be space to be angry, to share the frustration.
Two people who work should be able to pay for their bills, get their kids the things they need and go out for dinner once in a while without it being a struggle.
This isn’t extravagant living. This is just…living.
I believe I have to feel this, process it and let it go instead of pretending not to feel it in the first place if I want things to change.
ALSO if we want realities to change then it’s a collective thing, not an individual thing. Together we make change. I see that we are all connected. I am not on my own here. We are all one.
The issue with some mindset, manifestation narratives and spirituality language though is that it bypasses societal injustices or systemic issues which are also feeding into the realities we live in.
I plan to use my vote on Thursday. I hope you will too.
I wondered if I would shift out of the feelings I had when I started writing.
I think, I hope you can sense it: yes. It has shifted. I am still dog-tired (!) but the bitterness, the resentment, the frustration has dissipated. My nervous system has regulated. My brain networks have switched on. THANK GOD FOR THAT!
I have relaxed back into my default mode: grateful, optimistic, relaxed.
I am on a mission. I am driven. I am tired but energised.
Gratitude is the key and I practice it every night:
I have created this life which is flexible. I decide how I’ll spend my days.
I am wealthy in so many ways.
I am ambitious, I am empowered and I am manifesting a life beyond my wildest dreams.
DON’T FORGET TO VOTE!!!
Ax
P. S don’t know who to vote for? I’ve just been through this in detail and it’s brilliant.
P.P.S issues I’m particularly passionate about are women’s health, fertility policies, childcare, tax, immigration, NHS…so if you are passionate about these things too, go through the quiz above. Make sure you know who and what you are voting for. (GET THE TORIES OUT IF YOU CARE ABOUT WOMEN’S HEALTH, OK BYE )
(oh and if you’re even remotely thinking about Reform please, please, please do lots and lots of research and maybe, just maybe…don’t?! PLEASE?!)
Well Said - and as always, beautifully expressed, Alice. I am on a coach, returning from Legoland, on my boy’s Y3 school trip (which has been quite challenging- especially on a Sensory Level !!) and i’ll be voting, when I get home. The amount both My own parents - and my in-laws have helped my husband and I out with Fertility AND childcare costs, over the past seven years is Amazing (my husband runs his own startup and i’ve taken a ‘work break’.) We Know how very lucky we are, but this is Not the way it should be… Having children should not be an economic privilege. I can also remember voting for Labour , 27 years ago.. (Although If I’d known about the Iraq war, I don’t think I would’ve voted for them) The Deep and widespread Damage the Tories have done to this country is devastating for millions, and will take a long time to repair, but we owe it to out children to be part of the solution, and whatever reservations many people have about Labour, this time, they actually have a moral compass, which has been conspicuously absent in recent decades.
I really appreciate the general life and financial transparency/honesty. It’s very refreshing. My personal hope for the new government is to tackle wealth inequality. It undermines the possibility of meritocracy in the UK even more so than income inequality.